Remember when I said I had six failed adoptions? SIX! Here's the thing: to some people, it might not be considered a failed adoption if there wasn't a baby in my arms before things fell apart. But to us, it felt the same no matter how far into the process we were. Children need someone to love them like a mother their entire lives - and I take it upon myself to assume the mother role until I am told to stop. So each and every one of the below situations was a blow to my mother heart. I share this story with you today so that in the coming days I can share with you my entry from the day she was born. The part where I met my middle daughter's birthmom is missing, on purpose. Its right at the end of all the crazy you will read below. There was nothing dramatic about how we met, but a little at the end. Another day, another story!!
What I want you to understand in sharing this is that things work out. No matter what higher power you do or do not believe in - things work out. I believe God has His hands in my life, I know he does. Your child will come to you, somehow.
"The White Flag"
As I write this, I have to keep blinking so that the tears can uncloud from my eyes. I don’t really know where to start, but all I know is where this ends. Right now. I can’t do this anymore. I keep pretending to be a strong, happy person when deep down I feel like I am drowning and I just can’t come up for air. I know I should feel more grateful, after all, I have a beautiful daughter already and have been so blessed by the miracle of adoption, I sometimes feel like a bad person for being so discouraged right now.
When we found out nearly three years ago that we had fertility issues, we didn’t blink- we just signed up with an adoption agency, ANLC, matched with a birthmother and 10 weeks later, “M” came into our lives, and things seemed perfect. Adoption was easy! I couldn’t wait to do it again, and so, on “M’s” first birthday in February ’08, we met with our caseworker again, and started the whole process over again. I was so sure it would only take three months again!!! We signed up with the Church this time, because we didn’t have another 30k laying around, but still, with my confidence and ParentProfiles, we were sure to have another sweet baby by summertime!
Summertime came and went, and nothing had happened, not so much as an email.
I tried a unique approach on our teaser in December of ’08, almost one year after first being on the website, and BAM! SIX GIRLS called in ONE DAY! We HAD to get another baby right? The girls were so sweet, and each situation so unique and wonderful, but one by one, they either disappeared, decided to parent, or found another perfect family for their babies. Except one. She picked us! We were having a girl – just two weeks after “M” turned two – it would be so perfect! Our birthmother was beautiful, and I just loved her so much, I couldn’t wait to be her friend forever. But then, just one week before baby time, she and her boyfriend made the decision to parent. We were sad, but not too set back, after all, we had come to love her so much that we only wanted what was best for her and the baby. I actually still keep in touch with her!
This brings me to my next chapter. In early March, we started talking to another girl, due in about 7 weeks. She was so cute, we talked every night on gchat, and I thought the world of her! She was a busy girl, so she always returned my phone calls with emails, and chatting over the internet was alright with me, after all, I had seen several pictures of her, and the baby via ultrasound – how could she be anything but real? Trust me, she was anything BUT real! We made plans to meet up in Chicago, 1/2 way for both of us, and then the morning we were supposed to leave, I called her to make sure she had passed her test she took that morning – but her number was disconnected. And then nothing….. for three days and then a random email from ANOTHER FAMILY she was considering for her baby!
The other lady said that our birthmother was out of town with an ill grandmother, but would get back to me as soon as she could……and sorry for the weirdness of this email, but “K” (the birthmother) had her phone number and not mine….. Wait, wasn’t her number disconnected?? Anyway, in the middle of this, I had written “K” an email that asked her what was going on and what she was thinking, and would she please just let me know what her heart was telling her? I didn’t think anything I wrote was inappropriate, and it was all very pleasant — I am a very nice, understanding person! Well, “K” wrote back a few days later saying due to the disrespect in my “voice” she was going to chose the other family. I can’t tell you how many times I have reread that email searching for anything disrespectful – there isn’t!
Now we are on to "S." She is a school teacher on the east coast, and so much fun to talk to. We video chat frequently, I have seen her baby bump and even had her dr confirm her pregnancy to my case worker! She chooses us, and I make arrangements to fly to Baltimore to meet her. I fly in, call her from the hotel and we confirm plans to meet at the hotel for breakfast and then go on a buggy tour of the downtown. We hang up around ten at night. The next morning when she is about 20 minutes late I call her. No answer. Again and again with no answer. Nothing for the three days I am sitting there alone in a hotel room to freak out! Finally when I am at the airport ready to board my flight home, she texts a picture of a newborn baby girl telling me that she had been in a car accident the night before we were supposed to meet and had gone to the hospital. Baby came via emergency c-section and that all was well but she had decided to parent. I wished her well, told her that I really did love her and told her she would be a wonderful mother, and I meant it. Heart broken, but understanding, I boarded my plane.
So here we are at the beginning of April, the first to be exact, and we get a phone call at like eleven at night. Yep, another birthmother, due on May 20. We talked on the phone each day for a week and made plans to spend Easter together to meet. Instead she went into labor! She called us and explained the situation, and told us to sit tight for a few hours, they were going to try to stop the labor. So we talked more over the phone and hurray- she picked us! We were having a boy!
And then, her boyfriend decided to help her on the decision making process. Through this whole thing, I have never said a negative thing about him, but trust me, I have thoughts! He wasn’t comfortable with us being LDS, he didn't think we weren’t Christian, no matter what we said to the contrary! He refused to sign any papers, even though “D” (the birthmother) begged him too! She wanted to fight him, have us adopt the baby, serve him with papers and then take him to court if he wanted to, but she really didn’t think he would fight her. This guy was in REHAB for COCAINE while she was pregnant and alone, but he was making all the decisions here! She had the baby, almost one month early, and this poor baby didn’t get a mother to hold him for nearly three weeks while they fought over who his parents should be. In the end, it wasn’t us.
On the day baby boy from above was born, “K” emailed. She was a wonderful woman in an odd situation and had decided to place her baby for adoption so her and her husband could start over. She was perfect! We had so much in common, including two year old daughters! We made plans to meet, on the East Coast, and make final plans face to face. I couldn’t wait to meet her because again, I just loved her!
We got to her town, checked into the hotel and then I tried to call her again…..no answer. So I checked my email to see if she had written, she had! She was on the west coast doing house hunting hoping I meant next week – not this one – that we would be in town! can you believe this?! We had driven one thousand miles to be stood up – again! We heard nothing for two weeks, and then out of the blue, she called me at home one night. Apologized for the mix up and things were back to normal. I asked her outright if we were the family she picked and she said yes! We were having a girl and in just three weeks!!! Once again, we called our families, and started talking about names…..and of course I did a little shopping….!
Well, eventually, “K” emailed to say that she was having second thoughts about us as a family because my husband is away for the summer doing an internship, and she doesn’t think it is an ideal situation to bring kids into. Easy fix – we will just move to where he is and then things will be fine right? – I thought so, and it seemed so, until a couple nights later when she text messaged me to say that she was in labor, and the family she chose was with her.
So, what am I supposed to think now? I can’t imagine doing this again.
People who experience four miscarriages in one year turn to adoption, where does someone in my shoes turn? I have heard several times that Heavenly Father knows me and loves me, and will bless me when it’s time. I have these horrible thoughts like, “If He knew me so well, He would understand how much I want another child, how much this hurts to keep getting my hopes up and then ……what?” I can’t say anything, because I have one perfect little soul that calls me mommy, but I feel so letdown each time. but I can’t stand this part – not being able to control my own destiny. I want to use condoms or the pill to decide if we don’t have more kids – instead, I get to let another girl tell me time and time again that I am not good enough for whatever reason to raise her baby for her.
I am a control freak – and that horrible part of me that is dominant right now feels that Heavenly Father should know that, and should have given me a trial I truly could handle! Which is why I am choosing to not hand this. I raise the white flag, I won’t accept this trial! I am taking us out of the adoption “race.” My testimony is too important to me, and I don’t want to get to a point where I question it, so I feel I must surrender.
Maybe it’s the wrong thing to do. Maybe I should have done it sooner? I will shower my one child with love, and we will be a one kid family. At this point, I just don’t know what else to do…… I wholeheartedly accept Heavenly Father’s will for me, and the more I say I am fine…. the more fine I will be. I don’t mean to complain, I just feel so defeated right now that I feel it’s my only option for staying sane and parenting the little girl I have been blessed with. I have to take a break from adoption in order to still believe in it!
About three weeks ago, “D” called us back to say that her best friends little sister was due in 3 weeks and was going to place for adoption and wondered if she could pass our info along. Um, Yes please!!! So we talked with “H” for three nights, and then she started bleeding, and went to doc. “D” called us at three am to say that the baby (boy) had been born via c-section, and that “H” wasn’t doing to well. I wondered if we should go there – but we hadn’t been officially asked to parent…..anyway LONG story shorter, “H” was diagnosed with Lukemia, and was given 2 weeks to live. The thing about this was that, when we started putting pieces together, it started sounding fishy. “D” had a dramatic, stressful birth that ended with a fair skinned, brown haired baby boy, and she gave the same description for “H”‘s baby as well…..we only ever talked to “D” on the phone, and “H” over IM, so I never heard “H”‘s voice. She wasn’t comfortable giving us her room number at the hospital…… anyway, with a little detective work and a bold accusation, we figured out “D” was a scam months ago, and “H” was really “D” needing more attention!!! AUGH!!!
I don’t know if it’s healthy to add this or not :) I don’t want people to get the impression that adoption has to be scary, or depressing, because it’s really a wonderful thing. It’s just a trial and for whatever reason, my trial is many many failed attempts! Some people have no contact for years, and ours is that we have too much contact!!!
