Embryo Adoption on People.com

This is awesome you guys!!  Embryo Adoption is making national news!  Read about it here:http://www.people.com/article/embryo-adoption-liz-krainman .  This is great news!

Bun in the Oven, Preggo, PG, Preggy, With Child, Knocked Up

Those are all terms that gag me.  Seriously, I hate them!  Just tell people that you are pregnant!  Oh, that's my big creative way of telling you that I am.  Pregnant that is!  Yes, I am pregnant - the transfer worked!  It is surreal to be saying it for a second time - I AM PREGNANT!  In all the years of negative pregnancy tests, and infertility, then going through traditional adoption and not needing pregnancy anymore....and now here I am, pregnant again!  I love it!  My home pregnancy test came up really fast, only five days past the transfer so they had me do bloodwork at six days post transfer rather than waiting the traditional nine.  Typically, the dr likes you to be at 50 or higher nine days post to be hopeful, and at six days post transfer I was at 79 :)  Needles to say, we are bracing for twins and happy to be in this position no matter what happens.

When should I announce it to my family?  My side knows but not my husbands.  There is a family wedding on Thanksgiving weekend and both my sister in law's are also pregnant so it would be fun to announce and be pregnant with them for the first and last time ever - BUT - it's the other sister in law's wedding....so that's sort of stealing her thunder right?  And I will only be 7 weeks pregnant then and anything can happen before week 13.  (Or anytime I know, but generally the second trimester is the best time to announce a pregnancy)

I am pregnant!  I am so happy!  Thanks for sharing my journey with me so far!  Is anyone curious to hear about transfer day?  Or is that boring to you?

I am not gone!!

Not gone.....but still not pregnant!  UGH.  I just feel like there have been so many, maybe today's or lets see what the next appointment says that you might be tired of reading it!  I am tired of reporting it!

Anyway, here I am, still on Lupron, taking Estrace three times a day and hoping for an October 31st transfer.  My last transfer was cancelled due to fluid (blood) in my uterus, which was an overreaction to the estrogen patches that I was on.

So no news is still good news right?  At least in this case it is.

Stay with me friends!

Surrender

Remember when I said I had six failed adoptions?  SIX!  Here's the thing: to some people, it might not be considered a failed adoption if there wasn't a baby in my arms before things fell apart.  But to us, it felt the same no matter how far into the process we were.  Children need someone to love them like a mother their entire lives - and I take it upon myself to assume the mother role until I am told to stop.  So each and every one of the below situations was a blow to my mother heart.  I share this story with you today so that in the coming days I can share with you my entry from the day she was born.  The part where I met my middle daughter's birthmom is missing, on purpose.  Its right at the end of all the crazy you will read below.  There was nothing dramatic about how we met, but a little at the end.  Another day, another story!!

What I want you to understand in sharing this is that things work out.  No matter what higher power you do or do not believe in - things work out.  I believe God has His hands in my life, I know he does.  Your child will come to you, somehow.  

"The White Flag"

As I write this, I have to keep blinking so that the tears can uncloud from my eyes. I don’t really know where to start, but all I know is where this ends. Right now. I can’t do this anymore. I keep pretending to be a strong, happy person when deep down I feel like I am drowning and I just can’t come up for air. I know I should feel more grateful, after all, I have a beautiful daughter already and have been so blessed by the miracle of adoption, I sometimes feel like a bad person for being so discouraged right now.

When we found out nearly three years ago that we had fertility issues, we didn’t blink- we just signed up with an adoption agency, ANLC, matched with a birthmother and 10 weeks later, “M” came into our lives, and things seemed perfect. Adoption was easy! I couldn’t wait to do it again, and so, on “M’s” first birthday in February ’08, we met with our caseworker again, and started the whole process over again. I was so sure it would only take three months again!!! We signed up with the Church this time, because we didn’t have another 30k laying around, but still, with my confidence and ParentProfiles, we were sure to have another sweet baby by summertime!

Summertime came and went, and nothing had happened, not so much as an email.

I tried a unique approach on our teaser in December of ’08, almost one year after first being on the website, and BAM! SIX GIRLS called in ONE DAY! We HAD to get another baby right? The girls were so sweet, and each situation so unique and wonderful, but one by one, they either disappeared, decided to parent, or found another perfect family for their babies. Except one. She picked us! We were having a girl – just two weeks after “M” turned two – it would be so perfect! Our birthmother was beautiful, and I just loved her so much, I couldn’t wait to be her friend forever. But then, just one week before baby time, she and her boyfriend made the decision to parent. We were sad, but not too set back, after all, we had come to love her so much that we only wanted what was best for her and the baby. I actually still keep in touch with her!

This brings me to my next chapter. In early March, we started talking to another girl, due in about 7 weeks. She was so cute, we talked every night on gchat, and I thought the world of her! She was a busy girl, so she always returned my phone calls with emails, and chatting over the internet was alright with me, after all, I had seen several pictures of her, and the baby via ultrasound – how could she be anything but real? Trust me, she was anything BUT real! We made plans to meet up in Chicago, 1/2 way for both of us, and then the morning we were supposed to leave, I called her to make sure she had passed her test she took that morning – but her number was disconnected. And then nothing….. for three days and then a random email from ANOTHER FAMILY she was considering for her baby!

The other lady said that our birthmother was out of town with an ill grandmother, but would get back to me as soon as she could……and sorry for the weirdness of this email, but “K” (the birthmother) had her phone number and not mine….. Wait, wasn’t her number disconnected?? Anyway, in the middle of this, I had written “K” an email that asked her what was going on and what she was thinking, and would she please just let me know what her heart was telling her? I didn’t think anything I wrote was inappropriate, and it was all very pleasant — I am a very nice, understanding person! Well, “K” wrote back a few days later saying due to the disrespect in my “voice” she was going to chose the other family. I can’t tell you how many times I have reread that email searching for anything disrespectful – there isn’t!

Now we are on to "S."  She is a school teacher on the east coast, and so much fun to talk to.  We video chat frequently, I have seen her baby bump and even had her dr confirm her pregnancy to my case worker!  She chooses us, and I make arrangements to fly to Baltimore to meet her.  I fly in, call her from the hotel and we confirm plans to meet at the hotel for breakfast and then go on a buggy tour of the downtown.  We hang up around ten at night.  The next morning when she is about 20 minutes late I call her.  No answer.  Again and again with no answer.  Nothing for the three days I am sitting there alone in a hotel room to freak out!  Finally when I am at the airport ready to board my flight home, she texts a picture of a newborn baby girl telling me that she had been in a car accident the night before we were supposed to meet and had gone to the hospital.  Baby came via emergency c-section and that all was well but she had decided to parent.  I wished her well, told her that I really did love her and told her she would be a wonderful mother, and I meant it.  Heart broken, but understanding, I boarded my plane. 

So here we are at the beginning of April, the first to be exact, and we get a phone call at like eleven at night. Yep, another birthmother, due on May 20. We talked on the phone each day for a week and made plans to spend Easter together to meet.  Instead she went into labor! She called us and explained the situation, and told us to sit tight for a few hours, they were going to try to stop the labor. So we talked more over the phone and hurray- she picked us! We were having a boy!

And then, her boyfriend decided to help her on the decision making process. Through this whole thing, I have never said a negative thing about him, but trust me, I have thoughts! He wasn’t comfortable with us being LDS, he didn't think we weren’t Christian, no matter what we said to the contrary! He refused to sign any papers, even though “D” (the birthmother) begged him too! She wanted to fight him, have us adopt the baby, serve him with papers and then take him to court if he wanted to, but she really didn’t think he would fight her. This guy was in REHAB for COCAINE while she was pregnant and alone, but he was making all the decisions here! She had the baby, almost one month early, and this poor baby didn’t get a mother to hold him for nearly three weeks while they fought over who his parents should be. In the end, it wasn’t us.

On the day baby boy from above was born, “K” emailed. She was a wonderful woman in an odd situation and had decided to place her baby for adoption so her and her husband could start over. She was perfect! We had so much in common, including two year old daughters! We made plans to meet, on the East Coast, and make final plans face to face. I couldn’t wait to meet her because again, I just loved her!

We got to her town, checked into the hotel and then I tried to call her again…..no answer. So I checked my email to see if she had written, she had! She was on the west coast doing house hunting hoping I meant next week – not this one – that we would be in town! can you believe this?! We had driven one thousand miles to be stood up – again! We heard nothing for two weeks, and then out of the blue, she called me at home one night. Apologized for the mix up and things were back to normal. I asked her outright if we were the family she picked and she said yes! We were having a girl and in just three weeks!!! Once again, we called our families, and started talking about names…..and of course I did a little shopping….!

Well, eventually, “K” emailed to say that she was having second thoughts about us as a family because my husband is away for the summer doing an internship, and she doesn’t think it is an ideal situation to bring kids into. Easy fix – we will just move to where he is and then things will be fine right? – I thought so, and it seemed so, until a couple nights later when she text messaged me to say that she was in labor, and the family she chose was with her.

So, what am I supposed to think now? I can’t imagine doing this again.

People who experience four miscarriages in one year turn to adoption, where does someone in my shoes turn? I have heard several times that Heavenly Father knows me and loves me, and will bless me when it’s time. I have these horrible thoughts like, “If He knew me so well, He would understand how much I want another child, how much this hurts to keep getting my hopes up and then ……what?” I can’t say anything, because I have one perfect little soul that calls me mommy, but I feel so letdown each time. but I can’t stand this part – not being able to control my own destiny. I want to use condoms or the pill to decide if we don’t have more kids – instead, I get to let another girl tell me time and time again that I am not good enough for whatever reason to raise her baby for her.

I am a control freak – and that horrible part of me that is dominant right now feels that Heavenly Father should know that, and should have given me a trial I truly could handle! Which is why I am choosing to not hand this. I raise the white flag, I won’t accept this trial! I am taking us out of the adoption “race.” My testimony is too important to me, and I don’t want to get to a point where I question it, so I feel I must surrender.

Maybe it’s the wrong thing to do. Maybe I should have done it sooner? I will shower my one child with love, and we will be a one kid family. At this point, I just don’t know what else to do…… I wholeheartedly accept Heavenly Father’s will for me, and the more I say I am fine…. the more fine I will be. I don’t mean to complain, I just feel so defeated right now that I feel it’s my only option for staying sane and parenting the little girl I have been blessed with. I have to take a break from adoption in order to still believe in it!

About three weeks ago, “D” called us back to say that her best friends little sister was due in 3 weeks and was going to place for adoption and wondered if she could pass our info along. Um, Yes please!!! So we talked with “H” for three nights, and then she started bleeding, and went to doc. “D” called us at three am to say that the baby (boy) had been born via c-section, and that “H” wasn’t doing to well. I wondered if we should go there – but we hadn’t been officially asked to parent…..anyway LONG story shorter, “H” was diagnosed with Lukemia, and was given 2 weeks to live. The thing about this was that, when we started putting pieces together, it started sounding fishy. “D” had a dramatic, stressful birth that ended with a fair skinned, brown haired baby boy, and she gave the same description for “H”‘s baby as well…..we only ever talked to “D” on the phone, and “H” over IM, so I never heard “H”‘s voice. She wasn’t comfortable giving us her room number at the hospital…… anyway, with a little detective work and a bold accusation, we figured out “D” was a scam months ago, and “H” was really “D” needing more attention!!! AUGH!!!

I don’t know if it’s healthy to add this or not :) I don’t want people to get the impression that adoption has to be scary, or depressing, because it’s really a wonderful thing. It’s just a trial and for whatever reason, my trial is many many failed attempts! Some people have no contact for years, and ours is that we have too much contact!!!

More Guest Posting!

I love being a part of something much bigger than myself!  Infertility, IVF and adoption is such a community!  I thank anyone who is reading this, my little journey, and hope that I can lend you some support!  Thanks for stopping by!  Please, introduce yourself! Any questions?
http://ow.ly/B3Y5A

I guest blogged today over here : http://blog.nrfa.org/

Just a basic rundown of my family and our adoption decisions :)

Appointment Today!

I have another appointment today - hopefully all goes well!  I have babysitter's lined up and am driving the 2.5 hours to my clinic... fingers crossed that the FDA tests came back (Obviously I know all is clear..) and this week of Lupron was for something this time!  Wish me luck!!
~Samantha~

Back on track!

I started Lupron again yesterday!  I am so excited to be starting this process (again!)  Last time I did not notice any side effects but this morning I woke up really nauseous and have a major headache.  I wonder if it's the Lupron or if I get to start this school year off with the flu?!
Did you feel any side effects of Lupron?

Tell me about your experiences and what worked to ease the side effects??

Still Enjoying Summer!

What is with all the back to school pictures already!?  My kids don't start school until the fourth of September! (Hence the lack of regular posts - we are outside!!!)  See you in a few days!
-Samantha

A(nother) June Birthday

Feeling a little stressed this morning.  Not really stressed, maybe a little bummed out is a better way to put it.  IF (Note, I did say "IF") this transfer works, then it will be a June baby.  There is already SO MUCH going on in June!  I feel like not only will this baby's birthday be less special, it will make the other ones more stressful and a matter of "just making it through to the next one."

Here is the June rundown in my house:
June 4th - Fifeaversary
June 13 - Nephew
June 15- Good friend's birthday
June 14 or -17 sometime - Father's Day
June 17- Husband's Birthday
June 17 - Bestie's Birthday
June 19 - Grandma Birthday
June 24 - Sister's birthday
June 30th - Inlaws Anniversary

Anyway, I know it sounds selfish but as I was laying in bed this morning daydreaming about what it would be like to cram another sweet baby into our king sized bed, these kinds of thoughts occur to me.  I am so grateful for the opportunity to even attempt to have another baby - I really am!  I hope and pray EACH MINUTE that this transfer works!  I would be happy with any birthday, but in a perfect - fertile- world, I would plan the birthday's just a little bit differently......


PS - comment if you are reading this please!  Anything you would like to know or think I should address on here?

Ugg... Road Block

I had an appointment last Friday with my RE to make a plan and get things started with my FET.  I was really excited and he had already had me on Lupron shots for the five days before my appointment so things were already moving along.  I got a babysitter and drove the two hours to my dr, and sang my little heart out to the music I liked on the way - remember, I had no kids with me!  You guys, I was so excited to be moving along with this!

But.  See, in infertility land, there always seems to be a "but."  My "but" was this:  I don't have any FDA testing done on the donors of my embryos.  I don't need it!  I know them and know what their personal standards WERE and ARE at the time of creation, before that and even now!  So last time I used them, I signed a paper that said I was willing to "risk it" and all was great.  Last year, a lady from the FDA came in to audit files and mine got flagged BUT I DID'T know that so when I got there on Friday my dr said he still hadn't heard from her to see if I had to do the tests this time or not.  So he took me off the medicine and now we are waiting until the end of this month..... Deflated does not describe it!  I am so antsy and you may come to realize if you stick with me that I am the worlds most impatient person ever.  Seriously, EVER.

My donors are looking into getting some speedy tests done, and my Dr is working on getting permission to move forward without the tests so whatever happens first I guess.  My next appointment is Sep 5, and that seems like so far away!  I know, it sounds spoiled of me but I was already a week into the medicine.

So not how to give yourself a shot tutorials this week, as I am not on any shots, but they will come.  In the meantime, I have two girls pregnant from matches they made on my website, blessedwithinfertility.com, and another girl going in for a transfer in two weeks!  So many things to be grateful for today!

xoxo
Samantha

Here we go again!!!

Welcome!!  I have done so many matches in the last year and seeing these sweet families grown and the babies born has been simply amazing!  I am so, so grateful to have been a part of this incredible part of so many families lives.  Because of this, and because I already have on complete, successful embryo transfer under my belt AND THREE KIDS, why do I feel so nervous??

Because I am going to try again.  Am I crazy?  A little.  How many times can one girl be blessedwithinfertility?   I feel like I am tempting fate here or something.  Things are going so well, and my two year old "baby" is just now moving out of the baby phase, I mean, she JUST stopped nursing!  Like, last week!  She is still waking up at least once a night, I may never sleep again if I get pregnant this time!  

Husband isn't too sure our family needs to grow, but feels the same as I do:  It's time to attempt to give life to these remaining embryos.  No matter the outcome, we love our family, and our life and we both agree that we are already so blessed in the world of adoption and infertility!

Do you think it would be helpful to include a few "how to" videos on here?  For example, how to give your self a shot of Lupron or even a few different methods of giving yourself a shot in the bum?  I am going to try a video diary this time - ask some questions and I will try to answer them!!

Thanks for going on this journey with me!

~Samantha

How to tell people you've adopted some embryos

Embryo adoption can be difficult to explain to people!  Here is an excerpt from our family journal, explaining our choice to our friends and family.  I hope this helps some of you!

-Samantha

Just like each person and family is unique, adoption can look different in each family. For example.....

Some adoptive families look just like ours and its hard for some people to understand that we are in fact an adoptive family!!

Even harder to understand, some adoptions can look nearly unrecognizable to the untrained eye....need an example of that too? -Don't worry, I've got one :)

Curious what this means? It means our family is expecting a baby on July 28th! This time though, we have adopted embryos, rather than an already born baby, so its me that is pregnant. Crazy right?! There are so many reasons we chose to do it this way this time, experiencing pregnancy is simply just one of them. Other reasons are not going through failed adoption after failed adoption, controlling the prenatal environment (however, we were thrilled with our other two kids' prenatal environments..) and the main one is that once you have one healthy child in adoption land - its really hard to add more for some reason. 

I have struggled a little bit in deciding to do this. There are a few things that I really didn't/don't want to happen in this situation.

-I don't want people to be happy for me that I "Finally," get to experience pregnancy. I haven't been pining for that - I was pining to be a mom, and I have been one for about five years now. I am grateful to be pregnant, but mostly to be adding another person to our family. I have had a great pregnancy and it's been fun to be able to experience it, but it's not a bucket list item by itself. The new member of our family is the bucket list item :)

-I really don't want people to say, "I knew once you adopted you would have kids of your own!" Hello? Michaela and Heidi ARE mine. And this child is as genetically linked to me as my first two are - THEY AREN'T. Because of the power of the Temple though, they are mine, here on earth and forEVER.

-I really don't want my girls to think that I really wanted to be pregnant and I feel like I missed something with them. Truthfully? I can't imagine my life without my two little princess...AND their birthmom's/families/stories. They are such good girls and I love how they came into my life. This third child will be able to be breastfed and that is exciting to me, but not something I wished I could have done with my other two. I could have taken hormones and attempted to breastfeed them, but I didn't want to pretend they were biological, I wanted the world to know I am so proud of where they came from. Anyway, not to rant, I really just want people (you) to understand that a pregnancy is as much for me as it is for my current kids :)

SO. Be happy for us - WE ARE SO EXCITED! But don't be relieved for us, because we are so happy with how all our kids came here - all three of them! (Yikes...THREE KIDS!!)

This adoption is also open, we know the genetic family and love them very much. We are SO BLESSED in adoption to be able to have two healthy children with wonderful birth families, and another baby on the way with an equally wonderful genetic family. We are so happy to share our news with you and hope you share our joy with us! We truly feel blessed.